The Cycle of Shame (How it’s Formed and How to Adapt)
What is Shame? (It’s not guilt!)
Shame is an emotion widely felt among humans in multiple areas of life, often experienced in families, academics, and other settings with strong social elements. It is distinctly different from guilt (though commonly confused). Guilt is an emotion that comes from knowingly doing something wrong, while shame is the perception of oneself compared to others (Yakeley, 2018).
An example of guilt is an individual who cheats in a race and feels a sense of despair for having cheated. However, an individual who competes and loses in the race will feel grief, not for what they could have done but for what they did not do. They will feel shame from believing that they could have been better and did not live up to the title of a winner that society would deem as successful. People tend to create idealized versions of themselves and feel ashamed when they fail. In this, they see themselves as defective (Akhtar, 2015). Within this self-focus, individuals are prone to isolation and anguish as they reach for a version of themselves that they cannot achieve (Dearing & Tangney, 2002).
In short, guilt stems from objective outcomes while shame comes from more subjective outcomes.
However, this is not to say that others don’t contribute to the formation of shame that individuals experience. People throughout all stages of life can affect individuals by introducing expectations for them to live up to, which they are then looked down on for not reaching. Society typically induces shame in its members through humiliation and rejection. This can be done through non-verbal communication, such as disappointed gestures or looks, or it can take place through verbal communication of expressed disappointment.
Someone who fails to meet perceived expectations of themselves has a greater chance of feeling shame. Titles such as “winner” and “successful” are words that set standards for what they should be. Images of what that looks like are shown in various forms through the grades and awards of school systems, the numbers and status of wealth in business settings, and the media we consume through television and social media platforms. When people feel as though they have failed in reaching these levels of “success,” they are automatically placed in the opposite categories of the feel-good titles and are given titles such as “loser” and “unsuccessful.”
This is why it is essential to study the development of shame, where it stems from for each person, and where it is currently present. Whether it is self-imposed or placed by those around them, shame needs to be examined, particularly due to its damaging effects on mental health and social development when left unchecked.
How Shame is Formed
Shame is typically experienced early in childhood and slowly forms from this stage of life. This is known as a form of early maladaptive schemas. These are negative perceptions created across time at a young age that shape one’s identity.
It is usually tied to experiences with close members (such as parents, siblings, and trusted friends) who have harmed the individual through abuse, abandonment, or another form of demeaning behavior (Pinto-Gouveia et al., 2006). These experiences often tell the victim that they have not done enough and are not worthy of being treated correctly. These beliefs raise a higher risk of developing social phobias, which hinge on the victim’s idea that they will not have their social needs filled but will instead be faced with rejection and abandonment.
Shame in Family Settings
An example of the development of shame in family settings can be seen in parents who have introduced these ideas while raising their children. A study in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence showed that individuals growing up who were verbally harassed by their parents were usually harassed over academic failures and expectations surrounding their physical appearances.
Within academics, participants recounted memories of their parents expressing disappointment in them for not achieving expected grades. This included aggressive yelling and unfair assumptions about the individual’s lifestyle. Some participants were told that they would end up in jobs that were synonymously assigned to failure (deLara, 2020). Individuals were also commonly teased within the household, often on topics concerning physical features such as weight or poor skin care. These individuals were insulted and received demeaning comments in the form of name-calling, which threatened to tear down their self-worth.
Sibling bullying was just as prominent, both physically and verbally. Bullying by siblings was often referred to as sibling rivalry by the parents, who allowed the harmful behavior to continue. The consequences of this prolonged behavior included increased risks of mental and behavioral disorders and an increase in the act of self-harm. Furthermore, individuals who were constantly bullied by their siblings were more likely to be bullied by their peers in school settings (deLara, 2020). The results of these conditions led to a reduction in self-esteem and an increase in shame, according to the study.
To avoid feelings of failure, participants of the study said they would attempt to fulfill the wishes of their family members by adapting to lifestyle changes that fit their family’s ideal vision. At such an early age in the household, this increased the chances of developing eating disorders (in both cases of losing and gaining weight) (deLara, 2020). This also increased the fear of abandonment and trust issues (Akhtar, 2015).
These issues are detrimental to developing relationships later in life, as partners have more difficulty trusting each other due to the damage of past experiences with loved ones. Participants from the study discussed the behaviors they formed to protect themselves. Some participants developed avoidant behaviors, intentionally creating routes that would minimize contact and interactions with those they perceived as threatening. Others began more aggressive communication patterns as a defensive measure growing up and developed controlling and verbally abusive behaviors later on.
The consensus from this study shows that family bullying at a young age leads to a much greater risk of detrimental relational development and ramifications for the individual’s mental health. A consistent and prevalent chain of shame throughout childhood and adolescence increases the risk of multiple mental disorders, most commonly linked to depression (Yakeley, 2018). In addition, a study from the Clinical Psychology Review showed that shame’s heavily internalized process led to higher chances of self-deprecating behaviors, which extended to self-harm and suicidal behaviors (Sheehy et al., 2019).
Shame in Society
Outside of family relationships, society often reinforces shame and failure as consequences of people’s actions. In a journal article written by Jessica Yakeley, Yakeley talks about “shame societies,” stating:
“The primary device for maintaining social order is the inculcation of shame and threat of ostracism of the individual from the group.” (p. S20).
Shame societies range from culture to culture but typically promote the idea that someone deviating from the expected role of a regular member of society is flawed. This typically leads to a fear of abandonment in the process of wanting to be a part of the community. In addition, the “ideal societal image” for many societies revolves around the idea of perfection and success, creating more stigma around mental health and disorders associated with that realm, which are often viewed as “flaws.”
Many societies also contain a stigma against common depressive mental disorders. Individuals struggling with depression find that this disapproval is counterintuitive to their treatment. Depression in many cultures (unfortunately) symbolizes illness and a sense of falling short of what others in society can achieve and is therefore heavily looked down upon. To fit in with the rest of the community, those with depression tend to suppress signs of mental illness and instead force themselves to behave in any way that may show value and worth to society without the hindrance of mental illness (Gilbert, 2000).
The shame of having depression and the effort to suppress it reinforces feelings of reduced self-worth and thus creates a vicious cycle. Similar cases follow for those who develop social phobias and cannot move past the shame felt by this anxiety. Though depression and anxiety are the more common disorders to come out of the shame found in society, shame has also been found in the development of eating disorders, PTSD, and cases of sexual abuse (Yakeley, 2018).
Do We Need Shame?
Some studies have argued that shame in society is a necessity. Shame exists as a way to keep society intact and under control. Without shaming for actions seen as disgraceful, individuals would be free to disturb those around them and cause chaos within society (Akhtar, 2015). Shame is also used to bring self-awareness to the individual and create a clearer focus for things to work on for self-improvement. With this said, shame in society is still often more harmful than helpful, and that same self-awareness raises the risk for disorders and increased anxiety (Yakeley, 2018).
In a study examined by Bréne Brown in her book Daring Greatly (2012), Brown wrote about the effects of shame in both educational and work settings within society. In academic settings, a group of individuals recalled being shamed in their classes by overly critical teachers openly judging the students as poor learners. This was even more damaging when they were told that they were objectively failing in subjective artistic courses. The effects of being judged by a perceived higher authority in these fields caused insecurities for the students who were stamped as failures in these creative areas. This led them to believe that they were educationally defective. (Brown, 2012).
In addition, teachers themselves were shamed based on the level of pay they received, regardless of how good the quality of their teaching was. In one report, a kindergarten teacher was shown in a newspaper receiving the lowest earning bonus out of all the teachers in the district, even though she had received the best bonus possible for the grade she was teaching. This deceptive use of payment reporting caused a public level of shame to be inflicted upon the kindergarten teacher, stripping her of her worth as a teacher who had put thought and care into the lessons given to her students.
In workplace settings, the effects of shame were everyday occurrences and were also actively weaponized to get employees to work harder and show better results. In some cases presented by Brown, employees in unhealthy work environments were forced to hit goals and work harder than everyone else or risk being publicly humiliated and branded as a failure in their division. Some of the humiliation came in the form of public lists of employees labeled “losers.” Though the managers wanted to use shame to keep employees working harder, this fear tactic only served as a way for employees to emotionally burn out and increase anxious behaviors and breakdowns (Brown 2012).
Shame in Digital Media
Within the digital realm of society, shame runs rampant. While social media platforms offer a way to connect with loved ones, they also open the door for social media users to hide behind a screen, harassing and critiquing other users for their beliefs, appearance, and status. These behaviors are typically aggressive and shame other users on the platform for not living up to a variety of expectations placed upon them (Craig et al., 2020).
One of the most common occurrences of cyber-bullying on social media platforms is body-shaming. Users will tear down the physical appearance of others, typically commenting on weight, facial and body structures, and anything else that may have to do with the visual appearance of another human. When compared to the bodies of other users whose posts have accumulated more “likes” and less hate, individuals are driven to think that they are the problem and are not enough to deserve love and validation for the body they were born in. Multiple comments about physical appearance are also prone to create the idea that individuals should be able to instantly control and change their physical appearance and have failed if they cannot achieve the desired look of social media’s models (Monro & Huon, 2005). These expectations typically lead to a role in shame which plays heavily into insecurities and the development of eating disorders. Many individuals will do what it takes to transform their body into an accepted form to escape the fear of being shamed in a public space, such as an online presence on social media (Yakeley, 2018).
Shame in Romantic Relationships
Even in people’s romantic lives (where there is an expected level of trust), shame is still prevalent in many forms. Many partners will attempt to assign blame to their significant others within conflict. Accepting blame is commonly the precursor to feelings of shame, though the blame-giver may also feel shame for not taking responsibility at the end of an argument. A study presented by June Price Tangney and Ronda L. Dearing in Shame and Guilt (2002) showed that romantic partners who felt shamed in an argument were generally more aggressive than those who went into an argument with no feelings of shame. These levels of aggression presented themselves through raised voices, blaming, and general hostility. This was usually followed by feelings of anxiety, embarrassment, and shame (Tangney & Dearing, 2002).
Even in the context of supporting each other, shame was still pervasive. When one partner gave emotional support, the other would feel shamed for feeling as if they were incapable of emotionally supporting themselves or unable to handle a situation on their own. If solutions were given to a problem, partners would report feeling shamed for having their feelings of the situation invalidated and cast aside (Tangney & Dearing, 2002). This feeling of inability to handle these problems leads back to the idea of damaged self-worth and the shame which comes with it.
Breaking the Cycle of Shame
As devastating as the effects of shame are, it is not an undoable emotion. There are ways to both recover and fight against it. Researchers who have examined the recovery process for shame have stated that special care must be taken when tackling this topic. Multiple factors related to the subject’s background must be taken into account. At this point, therapists can better pinpoint where the primary source of shame stems from in an individual’s life and can apply the appropriate treatment. Great care and patience must be used since exploring shame can be in and of itself shameful, thus creating a negative feedback loop (Yakeley, 2018).
With careful guidance, therapists can create a space that allows clients to fully dig into past experiences that have become shameful moments. By putting these experiences out into the open, therapists can help the client thoroughly examine each scenario and show the reality of what might be imagined internalized shame. In these experiences, the reality usually shows that the shame was related to a situation outside of the client’s control (Dearing & Tangney, 2002).
If the individual was actually tied to a shameful problem, a deeper examination could help them find what they did in that situation that caused the feeling to form. At this point, it would be most beneficial to focus on the action that caused shame rather than the individual. In this way, the individual can focus more on the realistic guilt aspect, which can then be routed to working on the behavior and growing through the experience. This has a much higher chance of resolving the issue and creating beneficial development for the well-being and behavior of the individual in question (Dearing & Tangney, 2002). This progression of healthy behaviors works to defeat the feeling of shame and empower the individual. In addition, it creates a sense of responsibility and adaptability, which shows that the individual can work through these problems without feeling the need to put themselves down emotionally and mentally.
Hand-in-hand with adaptability, this concept ties into healthy vulnerability. Healthy vulnerability is broken down into two parts, according to Bréne Brown (2012). The first is admitting faults. This is typically a large part of what carries shame, since many people often feel as if they are supposed to be completely put together and have all the answers. However, Brown warns against this feeling and warns that if people lean too far into that feeling, they are more likely to start faking their way through questions and events that will ultimately lead to their downfall. Instead, Brown advises that people do not shy away from admitting that they are wrong but take this as an opportunity to learn. At this point, healthy vulnerability is applied, which is the act of learning and progressing in what individuals know. People are advised to take their moments of weakness and use them as areas to focus on growth to engage in life stronger than before. This takes power away from shame and allows them to move forward (Brown, 2012).
To further break this cycle, individuals must be responsible for holding back from shaming those around them by recognizing damaging communication systems and avoiding engaging in those systems. This applies to how people communicate with their peers, fellow members of society, and their children. For parents, this means raising the child in a way that does not use forms of shame, such as teasing and public humiliation, to coax the child into acting the way they want them to. Instead, parents should strive to create a safe and loving environment in which children can learn from their mistakes. Parents can teach children to focus on the parts of behavior that can be managed and worked on, rather than telling them that the child themself is the problem. Showing children that their actions affect others can also build a sense of empathy, which will help the child distinguish right from wrong and improve their behavior to help those around them. Caution and care should be taken to make sure that parents are teaching that a child’s actions should be fixed, but that the child themself is not a failure. A healthy path can leave ample room for growth in a child’s development and empower the child.
For teachers, shame towards students can be reduced by avoiding shame-based discipline systems. When it comes to failing in various subjects, teachers should be careful about calling the students a failure and instead focus on the problem areas that can be improved upon. Failure is a part of learning, and teachers are encouraged to accept this and help students progress through their failures and learn from their mistakes. In the school setting, teachers can also help reduce the role of shame by observing peers who may be shaming each other through name-calling or socially ranking each other. By observing these behaviors early on, recognizing them, showing the students that shaming is harmful to other students, and restricting the prevalence of shame, teachers can create a safe space for learning in a positive environment.
The same patience and grace should be applied in society as in the previous two sections to reduce shame. It is generally healthier to focus on behaviors that can be improved upon rather than instantly labeling the individual as an outcast and a failure. By kindly and patiently helping them along and privately pointing out ways to stop harmful behaviors and work towards positive ones, society can limit the shame it instills into its members. On top of this, accountability for each other is of the utmost importance. Being perceptive of when others are shaming each other and finding gentle ways of redirecting shame into behavior-focused growth is the healthiest way to create a supportive community that seeks to build one another up instead of tearing each other down.
Final Thoughts
As common as it is, shame should be carefully examined and cautiously observed throughout everyone’s lives. Though some in society may say that shame is effective in keeping society stable and in control, the majority of studies conclude that this is counterintuitive to the health of society. The effects of shame often lead to negative results, which are prone to spiral out of control and, left unattended, can also lead to the development of mental disorders, behavioral issues, and social phobias.
With proper care, treatment, and self-examination, shame can be recovered from and fought against. By allowing themselves to be vulnerable and grow, people can effectively combat the growth of shame, mend the development of strong relationships in their lives, better themselves overall as humans, and break the cycle that flows throughout society and their own lives.
References
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